Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Where Will Tim Tebow Land?

The 2010 NFL Draft
By Andrew Meyer

As a Gator grad, the biggest question for myself, Gator fans and haters alike is:

Which NFL team will be wise/dumb enough to draft Tim Tebow?

While I feel Superman is the best QB in the draft - Steve Young with a stronger arm and the ability to leap tall buildings - this article is not a testament is Tim Terrific’s greatness. (A more in depth analysis using numbers [ugh, numbers] to prove statistically that Tebow is a great passer can be found here.)

No, this article is a detective’s parlor, with all the likely suspects gathered in order to answer the question on every sports fan’s mind–

Who will draft Timothy Tebow?

To begin, let us dispose with the suspects on the fringe of the discussion, the teams with the need or the desire to draft Tim Tebow, but an unfortunate inability to pull the trigger.

Last teams first, the St. Louis Rams have already taken themselves out of the running, hitching their wagon to Sam Bradford, rather than make the legendary move of drafting mammoth DT Ndamukong Suh and trading up for Timmy T. They could have had Superman AND King Ndamukong in the same draft? I sure hope Bradford is worth it. (Footnote: Los Angeles loves superheroes. The Rams would’ve made an impact on their eventual new home with that dynamic duo.)

The Denver Broncos have a need at QB, but sadly for Broncos fans feel they have filled it with Brady Quinn. Anyone wondering whether they should take Mel Kiper or Todd McShay seriously should remember that they trashed the Dolphins for passing on Brady Quinn. I can still remember Kiper screaming as if the Dolphins had failed to nuke the asteroid in time before it destroys Earth. "YOU GOTTA TAKE BRADY QUINN THERE, OR ELSE THE DEBRIS WILL STILL BE IN THE EARTH'S PATH AND WIPE OUT ALL HUMAN LIFE!"

The Minnesota Vikings will need a QB once Favre retires in 2012, but after the Saints thrashed Old Man Football in the NFC Title game, the Vikes are likely to draft an O-Lineman like Maurkice Pouncey to prevent Favre from taking another beating.

The Cleveland Browns desperately need a QB, but have expressed a strange distaste for Tebow. Will they go for a double stack of overrated Notre Dame QBs and flush a pick on Jimmy Clausen? They ain’t called the Browns for nothin’ folks!

The Miami Dolphins and The New England Patriots are clever enough to recognize Tebow’s talent, but despite the value Timmy would have to both teams as a vicious Wildcat QB and super-second-stringer, both teams have other pressing needs likely to take precedence. My Dolphins need 3 starters on defense, at NT, OLB, and S, while the Patriots need a WR to replace Wes Welker’s shredded knee and a class in business ethics. Maybe Belichick has a home for Tebow after all!

The Oakland Raiders should be in the market for a franchise QB and Al Davis loves a QB who can throw the long bomb, but Tebow is not in Oakland's future. The Raiders are still waiting to see if JaMarcus Russell can round into form after dealing with emotional issues last season. Also, Tebow is precluded from playing in Oakland because of the Devil, who roots for Oakland in the guise of various Raiders fans. The energy field of Tebow’s halo will naturally repel the Raiders from being able to draft him.

Having eliminated the fringe possibilities, my dear Watson, and precluding all other NFL teams who are set at QB, here are your contenders, in reverse order.

#5 – The San Francisco 49ers. San Fran needs a QB, but may be scared off after whiffing on the anti-Tebow, Alex Smith. The 49ers are still trying to find the winner in Smith, and will thus lose out on the winner that is Tebow.

#4 – The Buffalo Bills. The Bills desperately need a QB and a shot of life, and Bills legend Jim Kelly has publicly endorsed Tebow as if he were running for President. Sadly for Bills fans, the Buffalo braintrust has a problem similar to the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. If only, they wouldn’t be likely to pass on Tebow and lock on Clausen or Colt McCoy (who I actually like as a late first-rounder, but certainly not before Tebow).

#3 – The Pittsburgh Steelers. Whaaaa? The Steelers? But they have a QB! True, but they also had a stud WR until Santonio Holmes hit a woman with a glass or whatever crazy thing he did that got him traded for a measly fifth rounder! If Pitt will ship Holmes for a 5 spot after an unsavory encounter, Big Ben could also be on the block. Realistically, I don’t think this will happen, but Steel City could trade Big Ben for picks, then make the best move of the draft and snatch Tebow. Big Ben won as a rookie, and Tim would also.

#2 – The Seattle Seahawks. Nobody told Matt Hasselbeck he retired two years ago, and so he remains Seattle’s first-stringer. But wait, Seahawks fans, there is hope! New coach/GM Pete Carroll may be a one-time NFL washout, but he also just watched Tebow dominate the college game for 3+ seasons and win two national championships. I give Carroll good odds at realizing that his best move is to ride the coattails of the best college football player of all time.

#1 – The Jacksonville Jaguars. The answer to the biggest question of the 2010 NFL Draft is the same as the answer to many of 2010’s biggest questions: money. Money is why the Jacksonville Jaguars are the most likely team to draft Timothy Richard Tebow. Tebow conquered the Florida high school record book at Nease High, located close enough to Jacksonville that Jaguars fans knew his name before Tebow cleaned up the college game. The Jaguars have a streaky good QB in David Garrard, and Tebow wouldn’t make sense for them football-wise, except for the fact that tickets to see Tim’s Heisman trophy might sell out faster than a Jaguars game. Jacksonville is full of Gators fans. Tim Tebow, get this, won a Heisman (almost three) and two national championships (almost four) as a Florida Gator! Ladies and gentleman, your new home for Tim Tebow, the Jacksonville Jaguars.

The Jaguars will trade down from 10 or up from the second round to land Timmy somewhere between 21-28, at which point Jaguars fans will celebrate for 15 years straight. Congratulations, Jacksonville. You earned it.

(Did they really? I don’t know. It seemed like a good way to end this story. And in all seriousness, God loves Tim Tebow, so J-Ville must have done something right to land him. Maybe they built a lot of homeless shelters.)


While I have your attention, and free reign to talk about the NFL, here are some of my other football thoughts.

C.J. Spiller is awesome.

The Dolphins will draft either Mike Iupati, Dan Williams, Earl Thomas, Sergio Kindle, or Derrick Morgan. Or someone that plays football. Definitely someone that plays football.

The NFL has THE worst player’s union in all of sports, and the players should strike immediately. America would absolutely shut down without the NFL. No NFL means no ESPN Sunday Countdown, no fantasy football, no Peyton Manning, no Green Bay Packers, and no Super Bowl. The players could demand a better medical plan, higher salaries, guaranteed contracts, no more franchise tags and world peace, and they would get all of it. Football is King.